Journey of “Becoming” a Writer

Growing up, I contemplated on how to use my voice for a very long time. I always thought of writing as a reflection of my voice that manifested through the paper and pen. Sadly, as a child, I was never able to exercise my voice and thoughts. Some adults like myself grew up in fragmented households that operated from a broken system and enforced toxic rules that children were obligated adhere by. I realized that my parents recycled generational parenting practices that hindered my personal development and autonomy as a child and young adult. These parenting practices perceived expression as a sign of disrespect and an attempt to dominate the household. Since then, I became uncomfortable with verbal discourse and found it difficult to articulate myself, so I relied on my writing to mirror my inner thoughts and emotions. However, the difficulties I faced articulating myself reflected in my written pieces. 

As I reflect on my academic journey, I realized that I spent more time criticizing myself than celebrating my strides and embracing my journey. I stepped out of my comfort zone and applied to some advocacy programs that encouraged student voices and valued unique ideas When I was accepted, I felt a sense of belonging and pride to be associated with such competitive programs and other academically involved students. Most people would consider my acceptances a blessing, but I didn’t want to just exist in these spaces, I wanted to soar. I understood that I needed to be patient with developing my skills but after witnessing my classmate’s development, I couldn’t help but notice that I was lagging behind. I didn’t articulate myself like my classmates nor did I write as well as everyone else. My grades reflected that and the feedback that I received on written assignment fed my insecurities. I remember noticing overwhelming amount red marks on my paper indicating my mistakes and lowering my head in shame and embarrassment. The spaces that were once my safe haven, didn’t feel so safe anymore. It wasn’t long before my body transitioned back into survival mode and I became defensive about the feedback I received. I became obsessive with my grades and used them as a marker of where I stood as a writer which in turn resulted in me losing sight of why I began writing in the first place. I remember thinking if I could get to a specific place in my writing then I could consider myself as a writer. Recently, I asked myself, “what makes a good writer”?

I considered a good writer as someone who embraces their voice and journey that has led them to start writing. I sat down with my advisor one day asking her to explain the feedback and she took a look into my worried and stressful eyes to gracefully say “let’s work on you just being you, strictly being Tiana, and asked me to explain my editing process. I explained that during that process I’d search for synonyms of simple words that I used in order to sound more elegantly and to replicate the academic tone from other authors and my peers. It was then that I realized I considered feedback that critiqued my writing as a critique of my voice. My professors never had the opportunity to critique “my voice” because I never embraced my unique journey and authenticity. My voice was buried and hidden behind the voice of others and undoubtedly screamed self- doubt. I became that same young girl who was afraid of expression.

Upon graduation, I wasn’t sure how I would transition from survival mode to safe mode, but I became grateful of the journey and all that it taught me. I complied a list of things that I would tell my younger self and others who are navigating their academic journey: 

1.     Be fully present as a student and understand that writing is a skill that you will continue to develop overtime

2.     Embrace feedback

3.     Writing is not a competition of who can sound the best 

4.     Embrace your voice and story that is unique to your journey 

5.     Do not mimic other writers writing style. You will feel more grateful knowing that your story is representative of you. 

Often times we forget we are good enough! This lesson may have taken almost two years, but it will resonate with me forever. In the end, I was always a writer with a voice, I just needed to 

embrace my inner self and my unique story. As with everything in life, the more you do something, the more comfortable and better you get at it. So, I hope you all continue or start your writing journey despite your setbacks.