Thoughts on (not) belonging

Definition: Belonging; possession, close or intimate relationship.

I’ve always wanted to belong. 

I’ve always felt like I’ve never quite belonged.

There’s always been that sense of muddled identity; of always not being White enough, and never quite Brown enough. Do I identify with my biological heritage, or am I simply supposed to surrender to the loss of culture from growing up surrounded by a White community? 

It’s been nearly a decade since I was deep in the trenches of the social chaos that was high school, but the lack of belonging still resonates like that annoying tv jingle you can’t get out of your head. 

Do I change myself to fit in with the cool kids, thus losing my innate quirkiness? Do I embrace my intense love for dramatics and the show and become a theater kid, only to be pushed to the side to allow the ‘true stars’ to shine? 

On better days, I’d say my life resembles a greek tragedy (or is that, comedy?). 

Tragic loves. Social plunges. Angst off the charts. 

On worse days, I’d parallel my life to Evan Hansen’s sung lyrics in the musical Dear Evan Hansen:

“No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts 

Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am

'Cause then I don't have to look at it

And no one gets to look at it

No, no one can really see

'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake

Before I even turn the key

Before I make the mistake

Before I lead with the worst of me

I never let them see the worst of me”

I am an adopted Asian woman living in a primarily white society. 

I never quite feel like I fit in, and that takes a toll on my mental health. 

Sadly, it’s so much easier if I shield the world from the worst perceived parts of myself. It’s easier if I just fit in and avoid the repercussions. 

Sadly, there aren’t many resources for struggling adoptees like myself. Sadly, many of my friends won’t understand what it means to feel neither Brown nor White. (I have friends who have grown up with very traditional Asian parents, and others who have grown up with very traditional white, American parents. I don’t fit into either category).

Sadly, some days it’s easier to just conform to what society expects of me. 

But,

I don’t want to put myself in that box. 

I don’t want to let my mental health suffer because of that. 

Instead, I’ve chosen to pursue mental health resources even if they aren’t seeking me. 

I’ve chosen to fully embrace my quirky, awkward self and be okay with that. 

I’ve chosen to just be me. 

I’ve chosen to put my mental health first.